The Orgasm Gap
I once had the male partner of a couple I was seeing become offended when I suggested that it was easier for him to orgasm than his female partner. He took this as an indication that I viewed him as ‘simple.’ I do not view humans as simple, but I do think that penises are less complex than vulvas. Men tend to use some variation of the up-and-down motion we are all familiar with. As a result, a recent study showed that 86% of cisgender men orgasmed in their last heterosexual sexual encounter, compared with 62% of cisgender women. Female anatomy tends to require a more nuanced touch (pun intended). For some women, this means they need progressive light touches; for some, they need indirect stimulation, and some require more powerful vibrations. The vast majority, 70-80%, of women need some form of clitoral stimulation to orgasm. So why do I keep encountering couples who are flummoxed that the female partner is not ecstatic with penetration only? Societal messaging.
From very early on, patriarchal societies have used female sexuality as a weapon. Rape is a way to cripple a warring nation and strip away the dignity of the people, and it is still used today by unsavory factions. Female pleasure has never been centralized by patriarchal societies. Sex has historically been a way for men to achieve pleasure and power. Women who experienced pleasure or enjoyed sex have been subjected to clitorectomies, diagnosed with hysteria, and shunned.
As we moved away from the highly repressive medieval and Victorian eras of repression, it was still men in charge of studying and deciding what was normal and what was not in regard to female anatomy; many of them completely dismissed or omitted the clitoris as being important. Or when it was finally acknowledged, we had men like Freud asserting that only being able to achieve a clitoral orgasm was a sign that a woman hadn’t completed a critical stage of growth as she should be able to experience a vaginal orgasm as a fully developed woman.
3-D rendering of Clitoris
Even today, men still aspire to control female sexuality. Female reproductive rights and access to healthcare are consistently on the chopping block of the American political system. There are still several cultures worldwide that practice (under the table) Female Genital Mutilation as a way to control female pleasure and sexuality. Most women that I encounter are surprised when they see a diagram of the entire clitoris due to a lack of education about female anatomy. This is why boys are still obsessed with ‘tight’ vaginas, and women are only taught to clench their vaginas during kegels; very rarely do we discuss the importance of relaxing one’s pelvic floor (unless you go to a certified pelvic PT). Most people don’t realize that when men talk about a ‘tight’ vagina, they are not looking for a virginal one; they are looking for one that is fully aroused and engorged, creating a snug sensation. Instead, our society is obsessed with purity – slut shaming women who enjoy sex.
With such a toxic history and lack of education, it is no wonder there is an orgasm gap. We can begin by addressing this in the bedroom: if you are a woman, do you know what kind of stimulation works best for your body? If you are the partner of a woman, do you know what type of stimulation they enjoy? When was the last time you both took the time to really explore her body?